In her weekly column, Genevieve Roberts delves into the pressing concerns and parental challenges she faces while bringing up her trio of offspring — comprising two girls and one boy.
Outnumbered
.
The issue at hand in our household revolves around doing laundry. My spouse, Mark, handles the washing duties, managing over a dozen loads weekly for all six of us. Meanwhile, my responsibility involves folding these freshly laundered garments. However, I seldom find myself reaching the end of the clean laundry pile. This isn’t due to laziness—I often wish for moments to relax—but as long as mastering temporal manipulation remains beyond me, those stacks of tidy clothes appear fated to persist as symbols of our ongoing frustrations with each other.
the mental burden of household chores
in our family.
When we were offered an opportunity that seemed almost too good to be true—a whole week where different technological services, even the much-dreaded laundry tasks, would take care of everything—we eagerly accepted. The best part was that these same tech platforms would cover all the costs involved so we could enjoy the perks without spending a dime.
Thanks to shopping and cooking apps along with those for cleaning, gardening, childcare, and laundry, we could theoretically reclaim about 15 hours per week from household tasks — not to mention scheduling date nights using babysitting services. The breakdown showed us spending money on outsourcing as well: £70 went to LaundryHeap for washing and dry-cleaning, £140 on childcare through Bubble (covering ten hours), £75 hired via MyBuilder for garden maintenance over three hours, and another £75 spent on four hours of professional cleaning. Should we choose to pay someone else for these weekly duties amounting to £360, it would add up to an annual expense of £18,720 which isn’t within our budget.
Measuring food intake is more challenging: during weekdays, we got daily meals from Simmer at £5.24 per serving (£21 for all five of us, which means each person gets around 0.67 servings since we split two portions among the three kids). These were heated up quickly—about three minutes in the microwave instead of our usual thirty-minute preparation and cooking routine every evening. Given their lack of preservatives compared to what we usually see in store-bought meals, we decided to order again using our own funds for this coming week. Our children really enjoyed the spaghetti bolognese right away, whereas I particularly appreciated the curry dish. Although both Mark and I like cooking, finding joy in it becomes difficult when everything feels hurried.
We stopped our
online food shop
A year back: browsing for prices on the internet seemed more challenging compared to strolling around a physical store, hence we alternate trips to the supermarket. However, using Ocado for shopping did not substantially increase our grocery expenses and managed to save us an additional 90 minutes.
In general, I felt deeply thankful for all the assistance provided. Although the housecleaning didn’t quite meet my expectations—perhaps because thoroughly tidying an unfamiliar space can be challenging—the gardening work exceeded them. Alan, the dedicated gardener, skillfully handled weed removal, mowed the lawn, and pruned encroaching tree limbs from next door. As for the laundry service, which involved professional cleaning of coats, it seemed as magical as a wave of Cinderella’s fairy godmother’s wand.
The outcomes were impressive: I discovered that I became more attentive to hearing the children’s thoughts and concerns, as well as acknowledging their achievements, since the persistent buzz of what-I-have-to-do-next in my mind had diminished.
Dr Morgan Cutlip, the writer of
Better Sharing: How Partners Can Handle Mental Loads for Increased Joy, Reduced Resentment, and Fantastic Intimacy
, highlights how the extent of task-oriented—rather than relationship-driven—parenting astonishes everyone. “Most parents—from the early stages through school age—are primarily engaged in completing tasks such as handling arrangements, foreseeing requirements, making choices, coordinating timetables, and maintaining the home.”
These tasks can effortlessly overshadow connections if we aren’t mindful. Building relationships and fostering their growth could be neglected.
relationship with our children
it plays the most crucial part, but it becomes challenging to take a breather when we’re inundated with everything on our checklist.
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Although many individuals do not possess a housekeeping fairy godmother or cannot afford such applications, Dr. Cutlip suggests that raising awareness serves as the initial step towards attaining equilibrium. “A significant number of parents undertake tasks equivalent to those handled by several people.”
full-time jobs—often without even realizing it—and always feeling as though they’re not measuring up.
Eliminating several mundane chores liberates time and energy, enabling us to transition from mere survival mode to truly thriving. While this does not necessarily imply delegating these duties (although doing so is beneficial whenever feasible), particularly for services like professional cleaning, laundry, or grocery delivery which can free up valuable moments; alternatively, it could involve reassessing responsibilities within the household or acknowledging that certain tasks do not have to be executed flawlessly.
I ended up spending more time with Mark throughout the week; we went out twice, which is quite uncommon, so much so that during the second date, my kids were curious about why this was happening. Our neighbour has signed up on the Bubble app as a babysitter and she’s already familiar with Astrid who’s eight years old, Xavi who’s six, and Juno who’s just two. Cutting down on mental tasks made me realize that most of our regular conversations revolve around logistics—like determining who does what task and when. It felt really nice to take some moments for laughter together, and overall, there was a cheerier and more pleasant ambiance within the household.
Eliminating numerous chores has motivated me to examine how Mark and I divide the mental workload. It’s clear that we both put in significant effort to maintain our household smoothly, and I’m glad we strive to distribute responsibilities equitably.
However, Mark has less patience for disarray than I do: what one person considers ‘cozy’ another sees as ‘messy’. This made me wince.
Inbetweeners
actor
Joe Thomas’s
remarks were made last week regarding actress Hannah Tointon’s abilities in managing her household, as she mentioned “doesn’t like putting items in designated spots.” Even though I make significant efforts to keep my house orderly, I often spend considerable time searching for lost chargers due to my lack of an ‘organizational system.’
I manage all administrative tasks, including arranging parties and playdates as well as organizing my children’s birthdays, school trips, and costumes. I also handle school communications via messaging apps, schedule doctor appointments, deal with outgrown clothing, and oversee home maintenance duties. Much of this preparation goes unnoticed. No single application can cover everything, although some individuals hire nannies for these responsibilities.
However, I derive joy from performing these acts with affection—it seems like a tangible method of expressing my care. When I prepare a packed lunch, I picture how each child might react upon seeing it—likely feeling hungry; this sentiment intensifies manifold as I consider how Astrid, Xavi, and Juno would wish to commemorate their birthdays.
Doctor Cutlip informs me that when she polled more than 500 women regarding this issue,
mental load
The second priority they mentioned regarding what they desired most from their partner concerning mental workload (after wanting more proactive behavior) was receiving recognition and gratitude for everything they handle. “Resentment grows partly due to feelings of injustice, and also because efforts seem unacknowledged; it seems taken for granted instead of being appreciated and esteemed.”
This typically involves having a discussion to express the desire to be acknowledged and appreciated for your efforts. Resentment tends to grow when things are left unsaid and unclear. Discuss what everyone is dealing with—not only the obvious household duties but also the mental work like thinking, strategizing, and stressing over responsibilities. Additionally, it’s crucial to assign tasks based on ownership instead of offering assistance; this way, an individual takes complete responsibility for a specific area such as managing school administration or handling laundry. This ensures clear accountability and completion of tasks. Without doing so, we often find ourselves constantly delegating, which can further burden us all.
I inquire of Dr. Cutlip regarding the folding and my sense of guilt for never finishing it. “You’re not alone,” she reassures me. “This guilt usually arises from unattainable expectations we set for ourselves.”‘good’ parent
Or your partner seems perfect. It’s crucial to change this unrealistic expectation. The home doesn’t have to be immaculate to overflow with affection.”
If I hit the jackpot, I would delegate the paperwork instantly instead of spending time strategizing, which seems so personal and is my method of showing affection towards those dear to me.
If Mark and I both feel like we’re handling more than our fair share of the mental burden, maybe everything is balanced out. However, since a magical cleaning helper isn’t showing up anytime soon, the most beneficial step for both of us might be understanding that prioritizing quality time together matters more than having freshly laundered clothes.