Outline:
Understanding the Development of Honesty in Children
It is common for children to lie, but it’s essential to teach them the value of honesty. Here are some effective ways to encourage your child to tell the truth at every stage of their development.
Research indicates that kids as young as 24 months may begin lying. Interestingly, the frequency of dishonesty often increases as their cognitive skills develop. According to clinical psychologist Richard Gallagher, PhD, director of the Parenting Institute at the New York University Child Study Center, “All kids lie occasionally. In fact, it’s a normal part of their development.”
However, this doesn’t mean you should ignore the behavior. Joseph Di Prisco, PhD, co-author of Right From Wrong: Instilling a Sense of Integrity in Your Child, emphasizes, “When you catch your child in a lie, look at it as an opportunity to talk about why it’s important to be truthful.”
To teach honesty, it helps to understand why kids lie and how those reasons change as they get older. Our guide provides strategies to handle lying and deception at every stage and smart ways to teach your child the value of honesty.
When Toddlers and Preschoolers Lie
For toddlers and preschoolers, lying is not entirely intentional. Dr. Gallagher explains, “Preschoolers are too young to understand exactly what a lie is. They’re not purposely distorting the truth. They love to exaggerate and make up tall tales, but these stories are expressions of their rich imagination, not lies.”
Additionally, 3- and 4-year-olds have difficulty distinguishing between wishful thinking and reality. “Developmentally, they aren’t mature enough to realize that something isn’t true just because they want it to be,” says Dr. Gallagher.
That’s why your preschooler might sit holding an empty glass, milk trickling onto their lap, and insist that a monster spilled it. What they really mean is that they wish they hadn’t spilled the milk, especially since they can see that you’re upset.
What to do
First, don’t overreact. Reacting with anger can put your child on the defensive and make it more likely that they’ll continue to lie to avoid blame. Instead, focus on what happened. Calmly say, “I see the milk spilled,” then suggest a solution: “Let’s go get some paper towels and clean this up together.”
If your child is spinning a wild tale, try challenging them in a playful way. You can ask, “Is this a real or a pretend story?” Most likely, your child will admit they’ve made it up, and the two of you can laugh about it together.
For extra reinforcement, consider reading Hippo Owns Up, by Sue Graves, a story that helps kids learn from the value of honesty by showing how to admit their mistakes.
When 5- to 7-Year-Olds Lie
Children in their early school years often lie to avoid responsibility or punishment. They may also lie to get what they want—such as a later bedtime or permission to watch a favorite TV show—or because they’re afraid of disappointing you, says Dr. Di Prisco.
For example, if your child thinks you’ll be upset that they didn’t study their spelling words, they might lie about how they performed on the quiz that day. As friendships take on more significance, a child who feels left out may embellish stories to enhance their reputation.
What to do
Try to understand your child’s motivation for lying by reflecting on how you respond to their mistakes. Are your expectations too high, or is your discipline style too harsh? If your child feels anxious, they may lie to avoid blame and punishment.
Reassure them by acknowledging their feelings. You might say, “I know you feel scared/embarrassed/ashamed when you’ve done something wrong,” and then remind them that everyone—even you—makes mistakes. Let them know you love them no matter what they’ve done and that telling the truth is always preferred, even when it’s hard.
If your child brings home something unfamiliar—like a toy they may have swiped during a playdate—avoid demanding a confession. Instead, make a neutral comment such as, “I see that you’ve brought home Billy’s mitt,” and explain why taking things without permission isn’t OK. Then, guide them toward a solution: “Let’s call Billy, apologize, and arrange to return it.”
Avoid punishments that exceed the misdeed. For instance, if your child lies about a routine matter—like turning off the TV when they didn’t—a gentle reminder of your expectations can be more effective than a harsh consequence.
When 8-Year-Olds (and Older Kids) Lie
At this age, your child’s lies are more deliberate. They may intentionally “forget” to tell you something or omit certain details—for example, claiming they don’t have any homework when they actually have a math quiz coming up.
Friends and social status are becoming increasingly important, so don’t be surprised if your child lies to impress their peers. As they grow older, they might also stretch the truth to protect their privacy or assert their independence.
What to do
Make it clear when you know they’re not being truthful. You might say, “That doesn’t sound like the truth to me. Want to think for a minute and start over?”
Avoid lecturing. Your child will be more likely to admit the truth if you stay calm and avoid sarcasm. When they come clean, acknowledge it and move on.
If you overhear your child telling friends about something untrue (like an imaginary trip to the Super Bowl), avoid calling them out in front of their pals. Wait until you’re alone and gently explain that they don’t need to lie to impress others—true friends will like them for who they are. “Kids don’t tolerate other kids’ lies,” says Dr. Di Prisco. “Their friends will call them on fibs long before you do.”
Finally, keep in mind that your child is growing up and deserves both privacy and the freedom to make mistakes. If you pry into every phone call or email, they may lie just to create some space. Most importantly, focus on creating a supportive and open environment at home. If a child—whether they’re 6 or 16—knows they can talk to you about anything, anytime, they’re far less likely to lie.
3 Tips for Raising an Honest Kid
Whether your child is in preschool or elementary school, these tips can encourage honesty and truth-telling in the long run.
- Set an example: Kids learn more from what we do than what we say, so it’s important to set a good example. Instead of sweet-talking your way out of a parking ticket, admit your mistake and pay the fine. When someone you don’t want to speak with at the moment calls, don’t avoid the conversation by pretending you’re not home. The message is simple: model the behavior you want your kids to emulate.
- Share your feelings: Be honest about your emotions, too. If your child sees that you’re feeling sad or worried, don’t dismiss it by saying, “It’s nothing; I’m fine.” Kids need to understand that it’s unhealthy to bottle up negative emotions and pretend everything is OK.
- Nurture your child’s self-esteem: Confident kids are less likely to embellish the truth. Spend quality one-on-one time with them, encourage them to explore a new hobby, and celebrate their achievements.
Teaching About White Lies
White lies are fine to an extent, but don’t expect preschoolers to understand that. “Young kids are very literal and quick to spot hypocrisy,” says Dr. Gallagher. “If you preach, ‘This family never lies!’ but then nudge a 4-year-old child to ‘Tell Aunt Susie you love the gift,’ they’ll be confused. And they’ll call you on it.”
By age 6 or 7, however, children can grasp that sometimes fudging the truth can spare a person’s feelings. Help your child find a way to be polite while still being honest. If they’re less than thrilled about a present, they could say, “Thanks for thinking of me.”
When to Get Professional Help
A fib now and then is no big deal, but if your child develops a habit of lying, it could signal a deeper issue. If you notice any of the following warning signs, consult your pediatrician, school counselor, or child psychologist:
- A pattern of deceit at home, at school, and with friends
- A refusal to own up to lies, take responsibility, or make amends
- Other antisocial behaviors, such as stealing or bullying
- A lack of sadness or remorse when a lie is uncovered